Damned if you do

What do you want from me?

For the whole week I've been wanting to post something, but always put it off last moment.

Some things/thoughts for the past week
-I really fucking hate mondays.
-Drinking alot for the week.
-Working alot too.
-Realised how bleak the future looks.
-Realised I have too much pride that stops me from doing things.
-I need a quote.
-For some reason, I feel you're ignoring me.
-For some reason, I miss you.
-Or do I really?
-Life

To: mojojojo!
I realised I haven't replied to your letter. Will reply by today k!

To: Agnes, Jared, Yiqi
Lets meet up for dinner again soon.

For so many things might be different if we had chosen different paths in our lives.
The current life we're having are products of our decisions.
Many a times, we wish we could go back and make a diffrent choice.
Who are we to say that the other choice might result in better lives?
Who are we to say it wont?
But given the choice, after much consideration,
Many of us wouldn't go back to change our lives.
For it's between the devil we know and the deep blue sea.

I'm calling out for a voice of reason.

It's funny how things might seem then turned out to be different moments later. 'You never should try. Ever.'
For everyone says, fight for your happiness. But I don't do that. For it's pointless to be happy if you friends are down.

Scream and shout at the deep blue sea. I'm getting this urge to just sail/fly off and forgetting about the world. Giving up is always easier for help one.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! No point anymore. I'm sorry girl

Baring it all

Hanging by the moment

Sorry for my repeated rantings. But seriously, motherfucking fuck my fucking cb office work. I can't stand it. At all. I can hardly think of anything that is positive there. Arghhhh. It's the amount of bitching that stops me from doing what I want to do.

Take off day - 'Take off ar... Rest at home very shoik hor''
Dont stay back and help out in OTHER people's work - "Go home so early ar. Don't need help lor"
Order a alcoholic drink after work in Bintan - "Wah drink vodka ar"

Because of all these I had to work when I'm sick, cancel work at paulaners and be careful of what I eat while in Bintan after off duty.

It's really a effed up place to work in. Somehow I think I would be glad if I didnt get a placement for ITP.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nbcb. Rant over.

You know, I do think I miss you sometimes. But what's there to miss?

No more games.

For you don't reciprocate.

They say you'll learn alot during ITP, well i guess that's true. I'm learning hotels, airlines, transfer but mostly importantly, the different faces of humans.

For all the bitching and fake laughter.
For all the hidden thoughts and intentions.
For all the red tape and paperwork.
I'm disgusted by it.

The truth is, this is the outside world. And I don't think I would survive at all. God damn it all.
I shudder at the thought of the cruel, cruel world.

:) This smile is for you.

No more.

Currently

Status - Sick
Mood - Not happy

Bintan, the place view by many as an island retreat. I'm heading there today. Work purposes, not pleasure.

If anything, I wish I have the choice of not going. For the whole idea just doesnt excite me. It's mundane, it's boring, it's senseless.

But I do need a retreat. For things have not been going my way these past few days. Every demon residing is beginning to wake once again, and I'm doing senseless things again.

No more. I'm going away.

If I died, would anyone notice?

Inner Demons

Do you know you're on my mind?

Simple mistakes that I'll always make.
I feel like I'm divided into two.
One shoulder houses the green eyed.
The other sees an angel in you.

For give us this day, our daily bread.
Strength is needed to carry on.
Fighting the hulk from within,
and all the burden it bourned.

Metaphors signfies so many.
To understand, read in between.
Care for not what is written,
but for what is unseen.

If you knew these words are for you,
I fear the impending reactions.
For there are many ways you might take,
acceptance and rejection.

Inner demons - Alan Wellest

Some things are oh so simple.

For everyone keeps skeletons in their closets. It's just who we choose to share our skeletons with.
A wise man once said "ignorance is bliss". And a fool once claimed "truth is happiness".

If this life have specific instructions. A set of guidelines maybe. We might have an easier time. For it's all the guessing and interacting where we get our thoughts, hopes and doubts from. Sometimes it's easier to not talk. It's easier but much less appealing.

Seeing other's playing the game of love, i often feel indifferent inside. Some part of me wishes them happiness, while deep inside I doubt they would last. For I guess I've lost faith in the whole notion of love. I understand friendships, I appreciate affectionate, I know crushes. But love is something that is foreign, almost alien, to me. What's wrong?

A thousand times I can think about you, all I want is for you to think about me once.

This is a story of a girl.

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.


Going to choing this few months through. Which means no going out and having no life at all. Suits me fine. I don't need a life.

Please tell me what I want to hear.
For things would be easier.
I wish I knew what you're thinking.

You'll never know.

Lets see.

Things don't really matter much if we don't put too much thought into it.
Things that do matter, concerns us.

If we don't try it, we'll never know the outcome.
Or we can stay in denial forever.

The lion in the wizard of oz got it correct.
Courage is what is lacking.

And will you be my wizard of oz?
And grant me my wishes aplenty.

Many a times, I tell myself,
Not to make the same mistakes.

Many a times, I tell myself,
It's not the same mistake.

Simple things that life give us,
Somehow become complicated.

And simple words that were conversed,
Somehow became mistaken.

Many thoughts travel my mind.
These are only some of them.

There are some which are hidden.
Those that you'll never know.

Goodnight world.

ps - I now understand I need to treat things superficial. Not read too much into things and not go in with a ulterior motive. I need to enjoy what is now and not look forward into the future. For the future is always cruel in oh so many ways.

Dr J

Scream and shout.

I am beginning to feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One moment I'll feeling one way, the other moment I'm not. And this time round, it's not because of my itp.

For it's confusing as it is exciting.
Troubling as it is relieving.
Shockingly beautiful.
And hauntingly frightful.

And truth be told, I think my worse habit will come out again. I'm beginning to feel it's coming a full circle, feel like I'm at the top of the coaster already and the next part is all going down.

Oh, look at the date today. Bloody hell.

So much angst

I should be sleeping.

We grew up listening to, reading, and watching stories about following your dreams, and be true to yourself. When faced with a decision to make, how many of us can really make the decision to give up in this fucking rat race society we have and follow their dream.

When we were young, we wanted to be firemen, astronauts, scientists and secret agents. As we get older, those dreams slowly fade away and in their place come accountants, clerks, salesmen and cleaners. How many of us really do achieve our childhood dream?

I'm a believer. I believe in making the right choice, not just the safe choice. So fuck my itp, fuck my diploma, it's the wrong choice.

I just need someone, you, by my side to give my courage to go through with my decision. Cause I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I should be sleeping but I want to scream.

ps - Suddenly I realise things arent that straightfoward at all. Not that simple afterall. How now fucking brown cow?

the world's most confident man

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.

I think I found out the reason why I hate my job now. All the red tape bullshit, paperwork and having a moron for a manager. Just got to endure through this 4 plus months more. I hope I can.

Over a glass of whiskey coke, I realised I have alot more to think about. It's amazing how some simple things, like a string of words, can become the motivation for me this week. But now it doesn't seem that straight forward anymore. Or so I think.

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.
For all the self arrogance, he can't see himself.
For so strong a belief, he lies to himself.
And for love, he'll hate himself.

one 21 guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

Cause I dont anymore.

Girl. Do you know you are really beautiful? Always stay as cheerful as the girl I once knew. Smile.

Hmmmm

Stand back and watch the world revolve.
For it seems that I'm uninvolved.
To feel so meaningless in the on-goings.
To feel so helpless in your sufferings.

Some thoughts that will bother me if I keep thinking about it.

No more, no how.