phobias

I have something to confess

Okay guys, schools started and all. Only problem, I don't know my timetable yet. Haven't looked yet. People in school all seem so new and unfamiliar. All new faces. Classes are starting up, this semester I'm going to try to do well. Try to attend classes and do tutorials.

Phobias. What a laugh.

Confidence.

It will be easier to just die.

So I've been living life as it is. Not caring about problems, not bothering about troubles. The simple life.

There will always be an ache I can't get rid off. Always going to be something that I will always want and can't get. The greener grass on the other side of the fence.

For many things I want, many things I crave. I close my eyes and wonder 'what if' & 'how will it be' but it never happens.

I realized... confidence is key.

Silly girl. Do what you always tell me. If you like him, go for it. Live life with no fear and you will have no regrets. Close your eyes and take the plunge without fear cause if you fall, you know I'll be at the bottom of the cliff to cushion your fall.

That's just great

6 months in. But nothing much has changed.

Dear God,
Why do you toy with me? Are you teaching me a lesson of making decisive decisions? Telling me to make the leap of faith?

For I don't understand you intentions. You allow me to let things build up in my head, but send doubts to attack the thoughts. Such Jekyll & Hyde.

Please tell me in which direction do I need to go from here.

Your boy,
Jonathan

So I heard that you're attached. Never thought I would hear that. That's just great. Perfect.

Never told you

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around
It's like I'm alone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told youI just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

Patience

For the simple things in life are the ones that matter most.

Life is like the breakwater of the beach.
Wave after wave, it slowly corrodes.

Life is like the Pyramid of Giza.
Stone after stone, it slowly climbs.

Life is like the longest novel ever.
Word after word, it's slowly written.

Have patience in life for it's a long one.

Today I realise why my favourite colour is green.

Distraction

Hey guys. I have a request. Please distract me.

Distract me from the current thoughts I have
Distract me from the obession

For I don't want to think anymore.

Don't we all wish we were living in a movie?
Where things are all in a 3rd person perspective?
Things will be so much clearer and every movie have a happy ending.

What I need is a certain formula. A guide book.
'Do this, say that. There, mission accomplish'

Things would be so easy.

Everywhere I look, I seem to see you name. And that scares me.

Heads? or Tails?

Let's flip a coin.

I have this theory behind coin flips. We assign a choice to heads and a choice to tails, flip the coin and let it decide the outcome. I think we subconsciously/consciously know which choice we want before the coin flip and we're using the coin flip as an excuse to justify our choice.

'Fate decided for me'

I'm not saying coin flips are useless. But what it do is to let us see what we really want, instead of making our decisions for us. How many times we said '2 out of 3' when the flip isn't to our liking?

Heads or Tails?

p.s. - guys. you know you guys can count on me to be there when you need a drinking partner. or someone to talk to. for among everyone I know, you guys are one of my closest. cheers guys. drink to life, to friends.

Lalalalala

So things are how they are.

After so much turbulence and so much rocky waves, we always arrive where we set off from.
For the cycle of life always has to be completed, for every death a birth.

So if it's all the same in the end, why do we even bother trying to make a difference in this vast, cruel world. How many of us will be able to make a lasting impression, a remaining memory? How many of us will just fade into nothingness, and die without anyone knowing?

Many say 'it's not the end that counts, it's the process'.

What's the point of enjoying the process? After all, what follows will bound to be death and dire. Ashes and dust.

p.s - Snow people! I'm sorry for kinda neglecting the story! Procrasination is my greatest weakness. I will try to focus back my attention on it!

Future

This post is not about ranting.
This post is not about anger.
This post is not about sadness.
This post is not for the past.
This post is not for the present.
This post is for the future.

For after everything, there's always a future to look forward too. No matter what, there will be a future waiting for us. It's our most loyal companion, our most passionate lover and our best friend.

There's no way we can fight it. For with every counting second, the future comes and goes. So we just have to learn to live with it, and embrace it.

Today I prayed for my future.

Damned if you do

What do you want from me?

For the whole week I've been wanting to post something, but always put it off last moment.

Some things/thoughts for the past week
-I really fucking hate mondays.
-Drinking alot for the week.
-Working alot too.
-Realised how bleak the future looks.
-Realised I have too much pride that stops me from doing things.
-I need a quote.
-For some reason, I feel you're ignoring me.
-For some reason, I miss you.
-Or do I really?
-Life

To: mojojojo!
I realised I haven't replied to your letter. Will reply by today k!

To: Agnes, Jared, Yiqi
Lets meet up for dinner again soon.

For so many things might be different if we had chosen different paths in our lives.
The current life we're having are products of our decisions.
Many a times, we wish we could go back and make a diffrent choice.
Who are we to say that the other choice might result in better lives?
Who are we to say it wont?
But given the choice, after much consideration,
Many of us wouldn't go back to change our lives.
For it's between the devil we know and the deep blue sea.

I'm calling out for a voice of reason.

It's funny how things might seem then turned out to be different moments later. 'You never should try. Ever.'
For everyone says, fight for your happiness. But I don't do that. For it's pointless to be happy if you friends are down.

Scream and shout at the deep blue sea. I'm getting this urge to just sail/fly off and forgetting about the world. Giving up is always easier for help one.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! No point anymore. I'm sorry girl

Baring it all

Hanging by the moment

Sorry for my repeated rantings. But seriously, motherfucking fuck my fucking cb office work. I can't stand it. At all. I can hardly think of anything that is positive there. Arghhhh. It's the amount of bitching that stops me from doing what I want to do.

Take off day - 'Take off ar... Rest at home very shoik hor''
Dont stay back and help out in OTHER people's work - "Go home so early ar. Don't need help lor"
Order a alcoholic drink after work in Bintan - "Wah drink vodka ar"

Because of all these I had to work when I'm sick, cancel work at paulaners and be careful of what I eat while in Bintan after off duty.

It's really a effed up place to work in. Somehow I think I would be glad if I didnt get a placement for ITP.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nbcb. Rant over.

You know, I do think I miss you sometimes. But what's there to miss?

No more games.

For you don't reciprocate.

They say you'll learn alot during ITP, well i guess that's true. I'm learning hotels, airlines, transfer but mostly importantly, the different faces of humans.

For all the bitching and fake laughter.
For all the hidden thoughts and intentions.
For all the red tape and paperwork.
I'm disgusted by it.

The truth is, this is the outside world. And I don't think I would survive at all. God damn it all.
I shudder at the thought of the cruel, cruel world.

:) This smile is for you.

No more.

Currently

Status - Sick
Mood - Not happy

Bintan, the place view by many as an island retreat. I'm heading there today. Work purposes, not pleasure.

If anything, I wish I have the choice of not going. For the whole idea just doesnt excite me. It's mundane, it's boring, it's senseless.

But I do need a retreat. For things have not been going my way these past few days. Every demon residing is beginning to wake once again, and I'm doing senseless things again.

No more. I'm going away.

If I died, would anyone notice?

Inner Demons

Do you know you're on my mind?

Simple mistakes that I'll always make.
I feel like I'm divided into two.
One shoulder houses the green eyed.
The other sees an angel in you.

For give us this day, our daily bread.
Strength is needed to carry on.
Fighting the hulk from within,
and all the burden it bourned.

Metaphors signfies so many.
To understand, read in between.
Care for not what is written,
but for what is unseen.

If you knew these words are for you,
I fear the impending reactions.
For there are many ways you might take,
acceptance and rejection.

Inner demons - Alan Wellest

Some things are oh so simple.

For everyone keeps skeletons in their closets. It's just who we choose to share our skeletons with.
A wise man once said "ignorance is bliss". And a fool once claimed "truth is happiness".

If this life have specific instructions. A set of guidelines maybe. We might have an easier time. For it's all the guessing and interacting where we get our thoughts, hopes and doubts from. Sometimes it's easier to not talk. It's easier but much less appealing.

Seeing other's playing the game of love, i often feel indifferent inside. Some part of me wishes them happiness, while deep inside I doubt they would last. For I guess I've lost faith in the whole notion of love. I understand friendships, I appreciate affectionate, I know crushes. But love is something that is foreign, almost alien, to me. What's wrong?

A thousand times I can think about you, all I want is for you to think about me once.

This is a story of a girl.

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world.


Going to choing this few months through. Which means no going out and having no life at all. Suits me fine. I don't need a life.

Please tell me what I want to hear.
For things would be easier.
I wish I knew what you're thinking.

You'll never know.

Lets see.

Things don't really matter much if we don't put too much thought into it.
Things that do matter, concerns us.

If we don't try it, we'll never know the outcome.
Or we can stay in denial forever.

The lion in the wizard of oz got it correct.
Courage is what is lacking.

And will you be my wizard of oz?
And grant me my wishes aplenty.

Many a times, I tell myself,
Not to make the same mistakes.

Many a times, I tell myself,
It's not the same mistake.

Simple things that life give us,
Somehow become complicated.

And simple words that were conversed,
Somehow became mistaken.

Many thoughts travel my mind.
These are only some of them.

There are some which are hidden.
Those that you'll never know.

Goodnight world.

ps - I now understand I need to treat things superficial. Not read too much into things and not go in with a ulterior motive. I need to enjoy what is now and not look forward into the future. For the future is always cruel in oh so many ways.

Dr J

Scream and shout.

I am beginning to feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One moment I'll feeling one way, the other moment I'm not. And this time round, it's not because of my itp.

For it's confusing as it is exciting.
Troubling as it is relieving.
Shockingly beautiful.
And hauntingly frightful.

And truth be told, I think my worse habit will come out again. I'm beginning to feel it's coming a full circle, feel like I'm at the top of the coaster already and the next part is all going down.

Oh, look at the date today. Bloody hell.

So much angst

I should be sleeping.

We grew up listening to, reading, and watching stories about following your dreams, and be true to yourself. When faced with a decision to make, how many of us can really make the decision to give up in this fucking rat race society we have and follow their dream.

When we were young, we wanted to be firemen, astronauts, scientists and secret agents. As we get older, those dreams slowly fade away and in their place come accountants, clerks, salesmen and cleaners. How many of us really do achieve our childhood dream?

I'm a believer. I believe in making the right choice, not just the safe choice. So fuck my itp, fuck my diploma, it's the wrong choice.

I just need someone, you, by my side to give my courage to go through with my decision. Cause I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I should be sleeping but I want to scream.

ps - Suddenly I realise things arent that straightfoward at all. Not that simple afterall. How now fucking brown cow?

the world's most confident man

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.

I think I found out the reason why I hate my job now. All the red tape bullshit, paperwork and having a moron for a manager. Just got to endure through this 4 plus months more. I hope I can.

Over a glass of whiskey coke, I realised I have alot more to think about. It's amazing how some simple things, like a string of words, can become the motivation for me this week. But now it doesn't seem that straight forward anymore. Or so I think.

For the world's most confident man, his weakness is himself.
For all the self arrogance, he can't see himself.
For so strong a belief, he lies to himself.
And for love, he'll hate himself.

one 21 guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

Cause I dont anymore.

Girl. Do you know you are really beautiful? Always stay as cheerful as the girl I once knew. Smile.

Hmmmm

Stand back and watch the world revolve.
For it seems that I'm uninvolved.
To feel so meaningless in the on-goings.
To feel so helpless in your sufferings.

Some thoughts that will bother me if I keep thinking about it.

No more, no how.

I'm hungry

Alright, Intership has began and I'm working two jobs now (Kinda). It will be hectic and tiring but i think i can pull through.

I haven't been updating this recenlty as I have nothing to update about. But I think it's time to renew this page.

Minsi, mojojo and malimah (all ms!) are in finland right now. Used to be if there's something to talk to them about, i can just pick up the phone and call them. Hmm, i wonder how much will it cost to call overseas to finland.

Two questions plagued my mind recently. Why do I work so much? and what's my motivation in life?

I thought about this for quite a while...Actually I think I do know the answers to them for a long time already. Everything I'm doing now would be to accomplish my goal. What's my goal you ask?

Alright lunch time. Bye people.

Y/N

Lets spend a day like there's no tomorrow.

What's left to say. I've been placed at Anglo-French for my internship. Can't say I super happy about it though. But beggars can't be choosers I guess.

I realised today that I want to work. Spending time not working was quite meaningless.

Crazy chalet's coming up. Don't really know do I have to time to see you guys off to Finland.

Speaking of Finland, you girls take care of yourselves alright? 6 months in a foreign and unfamiliar country, it will be hard but so fulfilling. Remember to ask for my bicycle when you see Santa.

Persistence

Naturally

Lets catch up shall we?

Firstly, I received news that I failed all my interviews for ITP. This would mean I would have to go for a second round of interviews. If I fail that too, I would have to repeat the entire semester.

Somehow, it doesn't really bother me.

Been spending my time nocturnally. Sleeping from 7/8am to 4pm followed work. Seems natural to me.

And I'm drinking alot of mango juice recently.

I feel like I have alot of pent up anger inside of me. Every passing day is filled with frustration and the lack of motivation. I have nothing to aim for, nothing to do. I keep thinking of what could have been. Can't help but to think that I made a few wrong steps in the past.

You were my mistake
You were my risk
You were my poison

Whoa

Dear Jp Jonathan, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Your view on yourself:
:Other people find you very interesting
:But you are really hiding your true self
:Your friends love you because you are a good listener
:They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
:You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for
:Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with
:The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exte
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
:And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that pe
The seriousness of your love:
:You are very serious about relationships
:Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like
:If you meet the right person
:You will fall deeply
:Beautifully in love
Your views on education:
:You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas
:You listen to your own instincts
:Tend to follow your heart
:So you will probably end up with an unusual job
The right job for you:
:You're a practical person
:Will choose a secure job with a steady income
:Knowing what you like to do is important
:Find a regular job doing just that
:You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
:You are afraid of failure
:Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you d
:Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble
:You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself
:Independence is important to you

Blueprinted.

This will seem so dejavu

For everything that matters, it all don't matter anymore.

The reason behind the quote above is that, I lost my source of motivation. Or rather I have never found it at all. Been long since I am truly, and i mean truly, passionate about something.

Whats the whole point? Really.

Is it normal for me to feel that life is like a blueprint? Everything seems to be planned out and scheduled. All so cramped and frustrating.

No more excitement, no more feel.

And dear friend, you will be happy. I'll make sure of it.

Poisoned

I'm sick. Poisoned.

Both physically and mentally.

Going to sleep now. In the living room again.

Do you know that I'm trying to forget you. For I know you will be poison to me. Sweet sweet poison.

Analytical.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
For we are two different species, trying to mingle and get along.

It's funny how things seemed to have cycled a full circle. I feel like I've experienced all of this before, a few months back.

The same cast, the same story, the same ending.

If you sit back and notice the world, you might just see the deeper meaning behind all the words, the actions and the acting. To be analytical never hurt anyone, yet.

For if you had any idea on what impact you had and might have on me, you might just realize how important you might mean mean meant to me.

I'm not being sad. I'm just being analytical.

Addict

An addict constantly does the things which he knows aren't good for him. But he can't help it. He's addicted.

So my days are lacking sleep once again. Filled up with projects, work and my non-willingness to sleep. I do think I'm dying soon. And I hope I do.

I've been feeling awfully messed up again recently.

And can someone turn off the bloody siren from the car downstairs. It's driving me crazy, rang for 30 minutes non stop and it's 6am in the morning. Maybe it's in my head.

And then there's you. I think I'm starting to get addicted to you.

What?

It all don't matter anymore.

For the feeling of dejection
and depression,
is overwhelming me.

I just don't see the point anymore.

No more ideas, no more inspiration.
No more life in me.

What to do?

Btw, happy birthday shortie

Shhh

For all that matters...everything might not matter in the end.

Been thinking too much again. Going to get my white hairs back.

Just keep quiet and everything will be fine.